You can be the parent you have always dreamed of. You can be a heart-centered parent, connect with yourself, your teen and those around you. We are here to support you every step of the way. You can learn more about heart-centered parenting, have your questions answered, and hear from Vive’s Mentors and Parent Coaches by subscribing to Vive News Now.

We want to hear from you whether you are a seasoned veteran with Chaos to Connection or you are just starting out and wondering where to begin. What are your questions, concerns, and fears about heart-centered parenting and the essentials? How has heart-centered parenting impacted your life and your relationship with your teen? Share your story here.

Fold portrays the power of parents entering into their children’s lives and meeting them where they are, and introduces the heart-centered essentials of PRESENCE, ENGAGEMENT and GUIDANCE through a situation involving Gwen, the mother, and her sons, Rex and Jeremy.

Parenting is full of surprises and changes, good and bad. As seen in Fold, as children grow up, parents may find themselves out of touch with their teens and less and less able to “control” their child. But you don’t have to passively accept disconnection with your teen. Building on the heart-centered essentials of awareness, safety and support, like Gwen in Fold, you can use the heart-centered essentials of presence, engagement and guidance to connect with your teen.

Presence is providing a personal state of peace in which everything can be accepted and in which your teen can be seen, heard and validated. Because much of your communication with your teen is based not on the words you speak but on your emotional state, your presence—your internal state of being—speaks to your teen. If your presence is angry, your teen will hear anger. If your presence is fearful, your teen will hear fear. He will hear your emotions regardless of what your words say. If your presence is emotionally safe, loving and peaceful, it is a powerful healing force.

Though you feel your teen pushing you away, you can develop your presence to give your teen a place she wants to move towards, and you can also engage your teen. Gwen chose to become emotionally and physically present with her sons, changing an activity to be where they are without demanding her sons change what they do. By so doing, she opened up opportunities for engaging and guiding her sons. In engagement, parents choose to connect with their teen while recognizing that both parties have equal needs. As a guide, you drop your expectations and agenda about your teen’s experience and path in life to share your experience and wisdom.

Like Gwen, through heart-centered essentials, you can learn to develop an unconditionally loving presence, learn to engage your teen and become a guide.

As parents begin to engage the heart-centered essentials of presence, engagement and guidance, they see significant positive changes in their relationship with their teen. Parents are really able to be there for their teens without feeling like they are “out of control” or “losing it.” Like these parents, you can learn to use presence, engagement and guidance to connect with your teen. Read what our parents experience:

“It so amazing and powerful! When I am able to stay in a heartful state while my teen is struggling, when I don’t take it personally, and just show up for her, she is able to become calm and engage in ways I’ve never experienced.”

“When I engage in fun activities, with my teen, without examining what they are ‘doing’ to be more responsible or to lecture them, we connect in ways that I can offer guidance. When I am unconditionally loving and aware, my teen wants to ask questions and seeks guidance from me.”

“When my son was preparing to take a year off from school and take a trip to Europe on his own, I felt all kinds of fear and worry. I tried to engage him from this place of fear, but he just shut me out. I became even more worried and afraid, pushed him harder, and he seemed to take risks, just to show me he can. When I backed off and took responsibility for my own fear, I started to interact with him in curious and exited way instead of focusing on all the dangers, he engaged with me about my opinions about safety. It was amazing to see that it was not that he didn’t want my guidance but that how I share with him makes all the difference.”

“I became aware of how intense my presence has been in relation to my teen. Out of my fear, I’ve grown more and more strict and controlling and my presence has been anything but a loving one. Seeing that this alone creates a battlefield for me and my son has been so eye opening.”

• How does my calm presence truly support my teen when they are angry or out of control? I often feel the only way to manage my teen’s behavior is to get angrier or more intense than they are.

Your presence and state of being have an incredible amount of power to help soothe your teen. Think about being in a large group of people, and what happens if one person yells “Fire!” The whole group stampedes toward the door, even trampling on others. Now think if one person with a strong presence stands up during this chaos and says, “It’s okay. There is no fire.” Then everyone will become calm and relaxed. Something similar happens with your teen. When she is screaming “Fire!” if you join her, you’ll take each other down. If you are able to stay calm in your presence, you will be able to say, “I’m okay. I can see you are scared, and I’m here for you.”

• How do I engage with my teen when they tell me that they want nothing to do with me?

Often a parent’s engagement with a teen has been from a place of worry or fear. When you do have time with your teen, you may find yourself asking probing questions, lecturing or trying to get him to act responsibly toward you and others. Such engagement is more about “what he is doing” than about “who he is.” You may have heard your teen say, “You never listen to me,” which is his way of describing his feeling of not being known by you. Your teen may then begin to tune you out, keeping his own sense of well-being intact. If you have a hard time engaging your teen, the next time you try, see if you can unconditionally surrender your agenda and expectations. Engage with your own desire to connect in a loving way so that you can actually “dig” the essence of your teen. Over time he will engage!

• I try to give my daughter guidance, and all she does is roll her eyes and tell me that I don’t get it. It’s like no matter what I share with her, she does the opposite. How do I provide guidance when she seems to reject everything I offer?

Remember that until you have a stronger, safer relationship with your daughter she may not want to open to your guidance. The first step is to bring awareness to yourself and to discover if are truly able to see where she wants to go and to offer guidance from that place, rather than wanting to guide her in the direction that you think is best. If she is rejecting your guidance, she may feel that you don’t truly have her best interest at heart and that you just want her to “follow in your footsteps.” Separating your own plans for her from really connecting with her own desires for herself will begin to make a safer connection for you to share your wisdom.