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Practical Ways for Parents to be Involved in Education

Written by Michael Behmer on August 26, 2010 — Leave a Comment

As kids get into the teenage years, they often say they want their parents around less and less. This goes especially for school where the appearance of a parent can be embarrassing or met with hostility. Regardless of a teen’s response to a parent being at school, parental involvement is vital to a teen’s success. According to decades of research, when parents are involved in their child’s education, students have:

  • Higher grades, test scores, and graduation rates
  • Better school attendance
  • Increased motivation, better self-esteem
  • Lower rates of suspension
  • Decreased use of drugs and alcohol
  • Fewer instances of violent behavior
  • Better relationship with their parents

Most teenagers want their parents to be involved in their school, even when they say they don’t. Depending on a teen’s response to a parent being at school, parents can choose how to best be involved from high visibility to low visibility. Consider the following ways parents can be involved at school:

  • Just knowing what classes a teen is taking, what he or she likes or dislikes, what the graduation requirements are, and when big tests or papers are coming up.
  • Offering unobtrusive encouragement on big test days through texting so that teens know their parents are thinking about them.
  • Understanding the big transition from elementary to middle and middle to high school and talking to their teen about the changes, what to expect, what might be different, any fears or anxieties, and places to find help when needed.
  • Going to school events such as back to school night, conferences, recitals, and sports events.
  • Volunteering at school with booster activities, school events, or chaperoning dances.
  • Encouraging your teen to explore what he or she might want to do after graduation, helping to research options, knowing entrance requirements, making college visits, and helping teens with college applications.
  • Keeping lines of communication with their teen’s school open by reading notes, flyers, newsletters and e-mails from school, taking phone calls, and calling and e-mailing teachers when needed.
  • Advocating for their teen if he or she needs something at school that has not been provided.
  • Having a family routine that provides space and time for getting ready for school in the morning, doing homework at night, and getting rest for the next day.

As with anything else, it’s also important for parents to find what balance of involvement is best for the teen. Too much involvement can also be a problem if, for example, teens don’t have the room to make mistakes and experience consequences, don’t have social time with their friends, or don’t have the room to make decisions for themselves.

Posted in Education, Family, Parenting

Reducing School Anxiety – 5 Exercises for Parents

Written by Michael Behmer on August 25, 2010 — Leave a Comment

At Vive we have the pleasure of working with amazing families across the country who all working hard to better their relationships and establish homes of emotional safety. They are all different and at varying stages, and yet, toward the end of August and the beginning weeks of September, they all seem to share the same feelings of anxiety. These feelings of anxiety stem from one thing many of them have in common – the beginning of the school year.

Regardless of the school or the child, anxious parents tend to fixate on small details at school and surround them with stories – the creatively dressed teen who looks like he could be a drug dealer, the frowning teacher who looks like she could be out to get the students, the immodest girl who could be a distraction to the boys. As they fixate on the small details and the stories, parents see other teens who will entice their teen in to a path riddled with harmful decisions, setting them back in ways unknown but feared. In these instances, parents focus on elements, real or expected, that could go wrong.

Parents can do exercises to help curb the anxiety associated with starting school, keeping in mind that anxiety is a fear of the unknown future and fear arising from our past experiences and memories.  Our parents have found the following exercises helpful:

1. Be self-aware. It is so easy to be anxious, not notice it, and let your actions be controlled by your anxiety. Be aware of how you are feeling about school and the anxiety you have. Just notice how you are feeling. By doing this, you also help your child, modeling an appropriate and healthy reaction and behavior. Your child is likely to react as you do when faced with starting school.

2. Staying in the moment. Most anxiety is a product of making up stories about the future, that a son will become a drug addict, that a daughter will fail out of school. These stories come from focusing on the past (the parents’ or family’s experience) and the future (what could happen). Instead of futurizing, practice being present to what is happening right now by focusing on your senses – what you see, smell, and hear.

3. Be alert to your child. As part of being present and staying in the moment, notice how your teen is feeling about school – excited, nervous, a combination of both. Tune in to what your child is feeling. Let your teen have his or her own feelings about school.

4. Find support for yourself. When you let your teen have his or her own feelings, you don’t look to your child to reduce your anxiety. You are responsible for this. One way to reduce your anxiety is to get support from a spouse, partner or friend, talk about you experience with school starting, and any past experiences that contribute to your anxiety.

5. Remember that your child notices you. Your teen will pick up on your feelings about school. If you are fearful or anxious about school, he or she is more likely to be fearful or anxious about school. Additionally, if you are reactive about school, your teen is less likely to talk to you about his or her experience when they get home.

With preparation and practice, you can help yourself and your child reduce anxiety about the start of school.

Posted in Uncategorized

8 Tips to Encourage Teens to Brake for Breakfast

Written by Michael Behmer on August 25, 2010 — Leave a Comment

You know that breakfast is “the most important meal of the day.” In fact, recent studies have shown that eating breakfast may improve cognitive functions related to test grades, school attendance, and memory and teens who eat breakfast tend to weigh an average of 5 pounds less than those who skip breakfast. But how do you fit breakfast into your family’s busy schedule and get your teen to eat something nutritious? Check out these breakfast ideas that might just tempt your teen to eat.

  1. Find out either by asking or experimentation what your teen will eat and how much. It’s okay if it’s small as people have different needs. But just eating something is helpful.
  2. Smooth moves. Try making homemade smoothies with milk, yogurt or soymilk, frozen berries, bananas, and ice cubes. Add a scoop of soy or whey protein for added protein. Smoothies are quick, nutritious and can be eaten on the go if needed.
  3. An eggcelent idea. Eggs pack a good amount of protein and are also easy to make fried, scrambled, poached or hard-boiled. Pair eggs with whole grain toast.
  4. Grab and go with a container of yogurt (aim for low sugar), breakfast bars, dry cereal, or pre-made fruit salad.
  5. Cerealously. Cereal is another quick option but be choosy in what you serve aiming for high fiber (4 or more grams), low sugar (8 or less grams) and less than 7 ingredients.
  6. Classic combos like a whole grain bagel and cream cheese, toast with peanut butter and all fruit jam, or yogurt and granola offer a nutritious start to the day.
  7. Oughta be oats. The wonder food oats can be paired with all kinds of delicious toppings. Offer oatmeal with berries, raisins and cinnamon, chopped nuts, a scoop of peanut butter, flaxseed or wheat germ.
  8. From the freezer. There are several companies that make nutritious, tasty and whole grain frozen waffles. Pick up a few boxes and offer them for breakfast with eggs, peanut butter or yogurt for protein.

With a little planning and investigation into what your teen will eat for breakfast, you can encourage your teen to eat breakfast before heading to school.

Posted in Health and Nutrition

Preparing Yourself as a Parent for Back to School

Written by Michael Behmer on August 24, 2010 — Leave a Comment

Parentella blogger April McCaffery, a single mom to two daughters going into 5th and 8th grade, shares her worries about preparing for her daughters to return to school and catching her children’s enthusiasm for the coming school year. She writes:

Ainslie and I had agreed to talk about preparing our students for back to school from our points of view as teacher (Ainslie) and parent (me), but I’ve been struggling with it. Every process thus far in getting ready has felt to me like prepping for battle with an old enemy (not my kids, mind you, but the schools).

I was dreading registering my oldest daughter for 8th grade, based on past experience. I practiced my power of negative thinking, and sure enough, the actual process ended up not being so bad. (Although, not yet complete. I wasn’t able to change her class schedule because the counselor wasn’t there.

I recently met up with a friend that has two children almost the same ages as mine. A friend that shares many of my opinions and criticisms of the same middle school, and we let it all out. We talked about our frustrations as working parents, the times we’ve felt excluded, the times we’ve felt like the school’s expectations of us parents were unrealistic, the homework battles, and our wishes, hopes and dreams for our children.

What I took away from that conversation was that before I can even think of emotionally and mentally preparing my children, I have to prepare myself. I have to clarify my own goals for my children’s education. I have to decide what really matters to me. I have to decide what is worth fighting for, and what isn’t worth it in the end.

My girls are looking forward to starting school again. I need to stop dreading it.

I need to stop dreading fighting with my children over homework. They’ll either do it or they won’t, and they will suffer the consequences or reap the rewards.

I need to stop feeling inadequate that I can’t help my older daughter with her math homework. She’s old enough now that she can research it herself, or reach out for help if she needs it…and I’ll beg for help from someone more equipped than me.

I need to stop worrying whether or not the schools perceive me as an involved parent. I know I’m involved. I know my kids are talking to me about what matters to them. I know that no one is telling their kids they are loved more than I am. I need to hold onto that, and stop caring what anyone else thinks.

I know my children are smart, passionate, problem-solving, creative people that are growing smarter and stronger and more confident every day. I don’t need a report card to define them for me.

I will let myself get caught up in my children’s enthusiasm for the coming school year. If they believe, then so will I.

“Preparing Yourself as a Parent for Back to School” is from the blog by Parentella, a private digital hub for parents and educators dedicated to enabling conversations between parents and teachers.

Posted in Education, Parenting

Vive in Action: We Show Up

Written by Michael Behmer on August 23, 2010 — Leave a Comment

Vive helps families flourish through therapeutic mentoring for young people combined with supportive coaching for their parents. Our mentors and parent coaches wrap support around the whole family, offering experiential, real-time support. But what exactly does this look like? “Vive in Action” brings real stories of experiences with our families (names and identifying information have been changed to preserve confidentiality). This month, Wes Robins, one of our therapeutic mentors in Atlanta, shares one of his stories:

On August 6, I jumped in my car and drove six hours to another town to meet with a new client. This was not just any new client, but a family that had been trying to get their son, Adam, involved with Vive for quite a while. I had been working with one of our parent coaches, Michael, and stayed in touch with the family for several months. The problem was that Adam was a “runner” and had run away from home and programs several times. We were excited to hear from the family that Adam had just recently returned home after being MIA for almost three weeks. Michael and I jumped on the rare opportunity to meet with the family and, hopefully, Adam.

Before I started the drive, Adam told his parents he would be willing to meet us for breakfast the morning of August 6. When I arrived, I was disappointed to find that Adam had left the house that morning and refused to meet with me. I was not angry or frustrated with Adam, just disappointed that I may not be able to locate him, touch base, and be able to see him face to face.

We spent the morning meeting with the parents, who were under tremendous stress and emotional pain. They were extremely apologetic. They had no idea how to locate Adam or if he would return home. The only thing Adam’s parents were sure of was that Adam was probably using drugs and “couch surfing” staying wherever he could. Beyond that, their imaginations created worst case scenarios.

After speaking with the parents and explaining various ways I may be able to support Adam, I decided I would leave a note for him in case he returned home.  The note explained that I wasn’t mad or angry that he had not met me for breakfast.  More so, I was just upset that I didn’t get a chance to meet and spend some time with him. I gave him my contact information and said he could call me whenever.

Later that night, after a long day of meeting with families, we were grabbing dinner before I headed back home. Michael received a phone call from Adam’s mom explaining that Adam was at one of the local cafes and had called asking for a ride to come home.  I looked at Michael and said, “This is my chance.”

I headed to the cafe thinking that I was most likely going to encounter a defiant and resistant young man who wanted nothing to do with me at all.  Regardless, I knew that I had to show up and make it clear to Adam that even though he didn’t show up for breakfast, I was going to show up at any chance given. When I arrived at the cafe, I had no idea where he was even though the parents had shown me pictures earlier. After asking several students if they knew him, two teens pointed to a young man.

As I walked towards Adam, I noticed him become anxious and uncomfortable.  Before he could even get up I said, “Hey man, I’m Wes – no worries about not making breakfast this morning – just got a call from your mom that you needed a ride, and I was just about to head back home but thought  – man, I would love to meet Adam before I go home today.”  Adam smiled and said “Um….. ok.”  As we walked to my car, I explained that I understood how weird it must have sounded when his parents asked if he wanted extra support (i.e. Vive).  I told him I wouldn’t want to have breakfast with two strangers I’ve never met either. Adam laughed!

I explained to Adam how Vive works and told him a little bit about my history and myself. Before I knew it, he invited me into his parents’ house and we spent over two hours on his deck getting to know each other. We discussed music, running, video games, drugs, family, friends, religion— the list goes on and on.  I thanked Adam so much for being open to spending time with me and asked him if he would like to continue to spend time together weekly. He said yes almost immediately.

I have now been meeting with Adam regularly for the last few weeks, and we are quickly building rapport, trust and the support he needs.  I think back to that night and believe that I was in the right place at the right time and it was no coincidence. That’s what we do. We show up.

Posted in Vive in Action

Summer Sun Safety for Your Family

Written by Michael Behmer on July 20, 2010 — Leave a Comment

Summer often feels more free – less clothing, more free time, longer days. But as you enjoy the summer freedom and the time outdoors, it’s important to remember sun safety for adults and kids. Stay safe this summer with these reminders:

Know your SPF. SPF stands for sun protection factor, which is a measurement of the amount of UVB protection. A higher number provides greater protection. There is no rating system for UVA protection. When selecting a sunscreen, select a “broad-spectrum” sunscreen that protects against UVB and UVA.

Apply and reapply. Experts suggest using SPF 30 sunscreen, enough sunscreen (an ounce for adults, which is about a shot glass), rubbing it n well, and reapplying every two hours or right after swimming or sweating. Reapply after 30 minutes in the sun to get any spots you missed.

Take cover. Cover every part of your body with sunscreen (including the often missed ears, behind the knees and feet) or consider covering with clothing, hat or sunshade when possible. Tightly woven clothing and clothing with an SPF rating is best. Cover your eyes with sunglasses to prevent damage.

Choose your time. The sun’s rays are strongest between 10:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m. so try to schedule outdoor activities at other times of the day or seek shade or limit your time outdoors during the peak hours.

To tan or not to tan. Sunburns are not the only skin damagers. As soon as your skin starts to tan, it is being damaged so using sunscreen and covering up are important to avoid tanning and sunburn.

Encourage teens to be sun safe. With the pressure to be tan because it looks good, it’s important to teach teens about sun safety. Consider encouraging your teen to use a self-tanner rather than the sun or tanning beds. Let your teen choose sunwear (hats, clothing) that he or she likes.

With these tips, you can still enjoy the wonderful summer outdoors and protect your skin.

Posted in Health and Nutrition

Celebrate Your Freedom with Your Family!

Written by Michael Behmer on July 19, 2010 — Leave a Comment


Living in the United States, it can be so easy to take our freedom for granted. After all, many of us don’t experience what it’s like to live without our freedom. This July, take the time to celebrate our freedom and American heritage in ways that also help your family connect.

As American as apple pie. Though not a truly American invention, apple pie does remind us of good’ ol’, wholesome America and times when the days seemed slower. Take time to sit down and share an apple pie with your teen and spouse or partner. Take it one step further and make a pie together, sharing the job of peeling and cutting apples.

Take them to the ballgame. Like apple pie, baseball is part of our American heritage. Take the family out to a ballgame and enjoy the time together sitting in the bleachers and cheering on the home team. Take it one step further and play a game together with family and friends or just go out and toss a baseball together. For boys especially, having something physical to do together is a great way to connect.

Worship together. In many countries, the citizens still can’t openly worship as they wish. Take the time to talk to your teen about spirituality, share your spirituality, and, if it works for your family, worship together.

Watch the movie. Remember our freedom with a good, historical movie. Gather the family together and choose from many great American movies. Some picks that might fit the bill – Saving Private Ryan, Gone with the Wind, Gettysburg, Glory, Blackhawk Down and The Patriot.

Visit history. Take your family on a trip to visit American historical sites. There are historical sites all across the United States (see the National Register of Historic Places and the History Place Tourism Guide for ideas). You can also check out online sites, including Charters of Freedom, which has pictures of the original Declaration of Independence, Constitution and Bill of Rights.

Practice your freedom of speech. Take the time this month to tell your teen and spouse or partner that you love him or her. Tell them something specific that you like or admire about them. Leave a note, text a message, or say it out loud.

Posted in Family, Parenting

10 Ways to Support Your Teen’s Growing Independence

Written by Michael Behmer on July 18, 2010 — Leave a Comment

As a country, we celebrate our individual freedom and independence with a bang every July 4. But when it comes to teens and their growing and freedom and independence, it can be harder to celebrate. The adolescent years are a time of great growth, opportunities and new milestones, which are exciting and scary, especially for parents. But there are positive ways parents can support their teens during this time so that the adolescent years aren’t as terrifying and so that teens learn how to responsibly exercise their freedom and make wise choices. We offer these 10 tips to parents:

  1. Start with you. Adolescents can be a difficult time for teens and parents. One of the most important things that parents can do to support their teen is to develop their own awareness of themselves – get to know your triggers (events around which you become angry, sad or fearful), identify what is “your stuff,” be able to discern what is reality (is your teen really safe or are you afraid of something that is unrealistic), and know what helps you to stay calm. Watch our video on Awareness for more help.
  2. Forget the fireworks. Regardless of what your teen does – gets a crazy haircut, changes his clothing style, gets home after curfew, gets caught drinking or smoking – your job is to be the adult and to remain calm. Take responsibility for your feelings and come to a calm place before you talk to your teen about their choices. Approaching your teen with anger or fear creates a situation in which your teen cannot safely talk to you or share what is going on in their life.
  3. Stay connected. While your teen starts to be more independent from you, the teenage years are no time for you to become disconnected. Be an active listener with your teen, giving her your full attention and listening with curiosity rather than judgment. Learn to read your teen’s body language and mannerisms to get a read on how he is doing. Continue to talk to your teen, but not so much that you don’t listen. Know where your teen is and who he is with. Use text messaging to check up on your teen or send a nice note in a less invasive manner than calling. Be connected to your teen’s school by being involved in parent-volunteer activities or talking to teachers.
  4. Meet your teen’s friends. Your teen is heavily influenced by his peers. Get to know his friends, and, better yet, his friends’ parents. Open your home to your teens’ friends so that they can hang out under your supervision.
  5. Be there. As much as possible, be physically present in your teen’s life, even if he says he doesn’t want you (he most likely does). Be at home when she’s at home, go to their sports games, theater productions or other activities at school, and be active in their school. If your teen wants to talk at an inconvenient time, the most likely time, make time for her.
  6. Be curious. Your teen is going through so many changes. Rather than judging or assuming how your teen is feeling, express curiosity about what she is going through. For example, you might say, “How are you feeling about your boyfriend moving away for the summer?” rather than “I am worried about you!” Get to know your teen, your teen’s likes and dislikes, dreams and fears.
  7. Communicate about boundaries. As your teen exercises more freedom, talk with your teen about boundaries and rules for your family. Also discuss consequences if the boundaries and rules are not followed. Write them down to help assure a common understanding.
  8. Freedom isn’t free. This statement is true for our nation, and it’s true for teens. With more freedom comes the need for more responsibility. Teens need to earn their right for more freedom. As the parent, you can give your teen new freedoms, monitor how they handle them, and then give more or less freedom accordingly.

With help from parents, adolescents can weather the storms of the teenage years and use the time for important lessons in taking responsibly, making wise decisions, and becoming happy and healthy adults.

Posted in Family, Parenting

Fuel Summer Activities with Healthy Snacks

Written by Michael Behmer on June 2, 2010 — Leave a Comment

Teens are as notorious for snacking as they are for what they like to snack on – soda, fast food, chips, candy. This summer, as your family is busy with summer activities, do a little preplanning for healthy snacks. Part of the battle is just being prepared and having tasty, healthy snacks available. Try these snack suggestions:

On the go. When you’re on the go, you need quick, convenient snacks. Try jerky, trail mix, granola bars, whole wheat fig newtons, pretzels, apples, bananas, crackers and baby carrots. With the processed foods, remember to check the nutrition labels for fat, sodium and sugar content to make a healthy decision on what to eat.

Fast food. Especially when you are on the road and raising teens, fast food restaurants can become unavoidable. But even at fast food restaurants, you can make good snacking decisions. For suggestions on where to stop and what to eat, check out America’s Top 10 Healthiest Fast Food Restaurants and for suggestions on what to avoid, read The 41 Deadliest Fast Food Meals.

When you have more time. When you have the time to make snacks, bake muffins (especially muffins like carrot or zucchini to sneak in vegetables) or spinach brownies (chocolate can hide the spinach), blend a smoothie, put together an antipasto platter or tray of cheese, crackers, and sliced meat, offer hummus and crackers or pita, layer on smoked salmon, dish up some yogurt (especially Greek yogurt which has twice the protein of other yogurts) or try oldies but goodies, ants on a log or carrots and dip.

    For more snack suggestions and tips, check out these websites:

    Posted in Health and Nutrition

    Summer Solutions for Connecting as a Family

    Written by Michael Behmer on June 2, 2010 — Leave a Comment

    Ahhh . . . the beginning of summer. The end of a hectic school year, warm weather, long days, and relaxing by the pool. Except if you’re a parent of a teen. As summer begins, you may feel like you’re staring down a long road of trying to figure out how to keep your teen entertained, busy and out of trouble while school is out. Fortunately, the summer months offer some great ways to connect with your teen and as a family. Consider summer as an opportunity for healing and growth in your family with these activities:

    1. Pool time! Nothing says summer like hanging out at the pool. Spend the day at a local pool with your kids. To make it really inviting to your teen, bring one or two of her friends.  Remember to pack healthy snacks, drinks and sunscreen. If you live near the beach, spend time there with your kids.
    2. Amusement parks. The teen’s version of a day at the park – take your teen (and maybe a friend or two) to a local amusement or water park. Hanging out with a parent isn’t on the top of a teen’s list, so be there for your teen but give him some space.
    3. Take advantage of car rides. If your child isn’t driving yet, and you spend a good amount of time in the summer running her around, take advantage of the car rides. Talking while in the car can be a less threatening place to talk since you are forced to face forward and there’s an end in sight. Use the time to talk to your teen about her plans, her day, her friends, and maybe some harder topics. The website, Parents: The Anti-Drug, has good advice on talking to teens about hard topics.
    4. Summer meals. Summer offers the opportunity to eat outside whether at home or at a restaurant. Connect with your family over a classic summer meal (involve your teen in the planning and preparation) and use the time just to be together (i.e. drop the parental questions, be with your family, and have fun together).
    5. Family vacation. Summer is also the time when many families take vacations together. Taking time together in a new environment can be a great time to connect. To make it more interesting to your teen, let her be involved in the planning. If money is tight this year, consider having a staycation – a vacation from your home. Check out a local visitors bureau for ideas of things to do.
    6. Have an adventure. Whether it’s on a vacation or just on a weekend, plan a family adventure together. Get suggestions from your teen on things to do that none of you have done before and go do them together. It can be fun for teens to see their parents try new things, and you’ll have the opportunity to connect as a family.
    7. Movies and music. Teens love both, and summer brings summer blockbusters and, in many parts of the country, lots of concerts. Find movies and concerts to go to together (hint – let your teen pick). You might also find that you can connect over a television series that you’ve missed or only seen some of. Try renting all of the series and watching it together.
    Posted in Family, Parenting
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